Breakups break us open for even bigger love

Breakups suck. Possibly more than anything else sucks, breakups S.U.C.K. There are a lot of reasons, of course, but there a few that make leaving someone you – at least at one time – loved, suck so much more.

First of all, it’s a choice. It isn’t one of those ‘rise above adversity’ things.  It isn’t like the house burned down and we have to rebuild. Or we lost our job and have to find another. Or we got run over by a truck and have to go through the healing process. Those things are terrible. (You know that I know that, right?) I am certainly not making light of those things. I’m just saying those things kind of happen TO us, and we figure out how to survive. Breakups happen IN us.

Secondly, it’s a full rejection of another person and – depending on how deep and long the relationship was – also a rejection of the part of yourself that chose that person. Often breakups aren’t even a rejection of another PERSON as much as they are a a rejection of a behavior. But, when someone you love makes a behavior you won’t love, part of their very identity, then a rejection of the person is inevitable. Almost always an unhappy one.

Thirdly, it hurts. That is true for adversity of all kinds, but the heart hurts differently. Deeply. It heals, to be sure, but it scars.

Scars, of course, don’t just go away.

The truth of letting go of someone though, is that we are – literally and figuratively – making room for someone else in our lives. Hopefully someone even more ideally matched to us. But how do you love someone again when your heart is in pieces? Or even when the wounds have finally begun to scab over? Or even when they’ve healed, and the next someone is standing right in front of you but all you can think about is how much hurt you’ll face if they aren’t the one you want forever – or even just for a good little while?

You begin where I personally believe all things begin; within.

You start by feeling the pain, really dealing with it, doing whatever you want / need to do to nurture yourself. Then you over-analyze and remind yourself there’s really no reason to because sometimes you just can’t make sense of matters of the heart.

Then you get on to loving again, and you start by loving yourself. You recognize that the pain – even the scarring – truly makes your capacity for love even bigger. You know that if you can survive a love THAT deep, the next one can be even deeper. You look yourself in the eye and remind yourself that you truly are an incredible being that holds a genuinely magical element of the universe within your soul. You remind yourself of all the wonderful qualities that make you, you. (Don’t tell me you don’t have any. It’s truly NOT POSSIBLE. You love Star Wars? That’s a beautiful quality. You like to paint? That’s a beautiful quality. Your idea of quality time is marathon movie nights? That’s a beautiful quality.) Someone else has some of those same beautiful qualities, and their soul is looking for yours because your souls will bond over those things and teach each other new things.

Then, SHOW yourself how much you love you. Do the things with yourself that you dream of doing with your partner. Take yourself out on dates. Find YOU time and protect it fiercely. Feed your body so it can FEEL your soul. Exercise. Eat right. Breathe fresh air. Quiet your mind for a few minutes each day. (Do these things even when you’re in a relationship. Promise yourself you will.) Give yourself a BIG BIG love. When you truly love yourself, when you FEEL yourself connected to your higher spirit, your ‘other’ will come.

You will attract a healthier, more secure and dependent person because you are those things. And he or she will be even more attracted to you because you are whole – they don’t have to immediately sign up to complete another person AND take care of themselves. You will feel good, strong, and beautiful without needing constant validation from outside of yourself. And that is attractive too.

Breakups SUCK. But they also stretch our hearts, our understanding of ourselves, our connection to our spirit – whatever that may be – and all those things make room for a BIG BIG (romantic) love.